Orgasm: Still an Elusive Goal for Many

Orgasm: Still an Elusive Goal for Many

 
Written by Jonathan Seagull
Tuesday, 25 May 2010 16:16 

 Article by: Marina Green

 http://www.whet.co.za/store/c34/Marie-Claire-Orgasm-Article.aspx

A brief history of the Orgasm

 Less than a hundred years ago most people including doctors (men!) and women believed that there was no such thing as female orgasm and that women who enjoyed sex were mentally ill, morally degenerate or both. Most women didn't have a clue what a clitoris was, were ignorant of the fact that they had one of their own and oblivious as to why finding it could be so satisfying.

 
Progressives believed that the only orgasm worth having was a "simultaneous climax attained by penetrative sex alone." This was fuelled by Freud's conviction that the clitoral orgasm was "immature" and "undesirable" and that the only valid sexual response was the vaginal orgasm.

Today, thanks to the media, we are saturated with sexual imagery and discussions about foreplay and orgasms. Vibrators, in a huge range of designs are widely available and men feel pressured to "perform" for between ten and fifteen minutes before ejaculating.

The Journal of the American Medical Association, reported that 43% of women -10% more men -complained of dissatisfaction in the bedroom. "Desire discrepancy", where one partner seeks sex more often than the other, is one of the most common problems. Dr Rosie King, Australian sex expert and author, reports that women are no longer asking how they can achieve orgasm of any sort but "want G-spot orgasms, female ejaculation, multiple orgasms and preferably all of them at once and over and over."

Conversely, research indicates that orgasms are not an indispensable condition of relationships. In fact 35% of women and 29% of men say they do not necessarily need orgasm to enjoy sex.

How does it feel for others'

 "It feels a hot chocolate egg breaking inside me."
"I feel like I have been hit by lightning or touched an electrical socket."
"White-gold explosions and an ego-less space...a rush of rainbow colours."

These are some of the descriptions of orgasm collected by the Montreal based web magazine www.queendom.com- not, as its name implies, a bondage and domination publication, but a respected psychological testing site aimed at educated Western women.

Orgasm and sexual pleasure are one of the central preoccupations of our society, but as women we are frequently left sexually unsatisfied. Statistics vary greatly, but studies such as the one conducted by the University of Chicago on American sexual practices, indicate that 40% of women between the ages of 25 to 50 suffer from sexual dysfunction. They also showed that around 10% of women never reach orgasm "whatever the situation or degree of stimulation".

A 2001 Global Study of Sexual Attitudes and Behaviours conducted on 27 500 men and women showed that 21% of all women did not find sex pleasurable. One third of the women lacked interest in sex, one third were unable to orgasm and the remainder said they only had occasional orgasms.

"The paradoxes and inconsistencies of orgasm make it a phenomenon to rival quantum mechanics in its fickleness... men are prone to have orgasms too easily, while women tend not to have them easily enough" suggests Jonathan Margolis, author of O: The intimate History of the Orgasm, in which he refers to orgasm as humankind's "profoundest pleasure" and observes the way that it has influenced the course of human history. Margolis confirms what many of us already realize: "Female orgasm, even in today's supposedly more knowing world, is an all-too-rare thing and there is little reason to suppose it has ever been any better."

The mechanism of pleasure

Our orgasmic spasms involve an enormous amount of physiological activity. They last somewhere between a few seconds to a minute and consist of contractions at consistent 0.8-second intervals. Some people call this critical endgame, with its accompanying ‘grunting, groaning and grimacing', the ‘vinegar strokes'. "Genitals swell with blood, the pulse races, muscles contract involuntarily. Some people's mouths open. Others' faces contort. Many women's toes curl. In men, big toes often stiffen as their little toes twist. Both partners' feet may arch and shake. Sweat typically surfaces on both participants' brow, the heart pumps frantically, and breathing becomes fast and shallow," articulates Margolis.

Another of the inequalities of the sexes is that men's orgasms are essential for reproduction, whereas ours seem to be specifically about pleasure. It doesn't really matter to nature (and some men!) whether we have enjoyed it or not. As Margolis succinctly comments, "A woman is designed to conceive after intercourse regardless of her sexual response during it."

Obstacles in our way

 Cape Town counselling psychologist Jodie Franco advises women to use their most important sex organ - the brain. "A woman's sexual response is a complex interaction of biology, emotions, belief systems, relationship issues and past experiences, with a definite focus on a mind-body connection." However, several factors can interfere with our ability to orgasm.

Physical complaints

 Franco says physical impediments may include endometriosis, cystitis, surgery, vaginismus (involuntary spasms of the vagina making intercourse painful), vaginal infections and other illnesses. Menopause and hormones impact on our desire as does pregnancy, childbirth and breast-feeding and the intense fatigue that parents are all to familiar with.

Medication

 Over the counter remedies and prescription medicines such as oral contraceptives, anti-depressants, tranquillisers and blood- pressure medication can impact on a woman's ability to orgasm, but Franco cautions; "Do not stop taking them, rather consult with your doctor about their impact on your sex life and work together to remedy the situation".

Stress and fatigue

 Difficulties such as financial, family or job problems may add to our already high levels of stress. Stress and exhaustion are toxic to our bodies -and relationships -so we need to relax to experience pleasure. It's easy to reach for crutches such as a cigarette, alcohol or drugs but they really only aggravate the situation.

Socialization

 Social and cultural aspects influence how outspoken we are about sexual desire and Franco tells us "Women are generally socialized to put others first and are met with suspicion or outright hostility when they attempt to nurture themselves'. The juggling of family and career that we do so adeptly, results in us trying to fulfil multiple roles- usually centred on other peoples needs. Franco warns that we buy into the myth that "a woman who does something for herself is selfish."

Jonti Searll who teaches Expanded Orgasm, Taoist Sexual Energy Massage and Tantra says, "The simple receiving of pleasure is sometimes difficult for a woman to allow herself to do. She needs to ask herself how she can allow herself this gift without guilt".

Psychological issues

 Psychological problems including anxiety and depression and ironically some of the drugs used to treat them, can slay our libido. Unresolved emotions such as anger, guilt and shame can prevent us from letting go and being able to enjoy sex. Searll confirms that many women "fear relaxing and letting go" and suggests that a negative pattern is easily established, where a woman feels she does not climax quickly enough, and then feels pressured and guilty, which in turn moves orgasm further out of reach.

We are sometimes oversensitive about our image and concerned about our partner's reaction if he sees us grimacing and gasping for air- behaviour at odds with an airbrushed model.

We may also have an excessive need to exercise control and fear losing it, but Franco observes "The paradox about control is that, much like an orgasm itself, the more you chase it, the more it often eludes you."

Sexual myths and ignorance

 If we come from a religious background it is likely that we have deeply conditioned moral prohibitions. We may have been told that "nice girls don't get aroused" or that our genitals are dirty. Taboos have made sin synonymous with sex, unless it is specifically done within marriage for the purpose of procreation.

Myths about sex and sexuality confuse and obscure our knowledge about our own bodies and responses. It's sadly common for our partners to be ignorant of sexual anatomy or have unrealistic expectations of how women reach orgasm. One of the prevailing myths is that women should orgasm during intercourse, but the truth is that most of us simply don't!

Searll says that it hits men's egos hard when they realise they "lack sexual skills." He refers to a study done in which men were shown pictures of women's genitals and asked to find the clitoris. Only 35% could do so and naturally "once you've found it, you need to know what to do with it."

Poor communication

 Many of our relationship problems are caused by our inability to communicate with each other. This is often combined with a lack of knowledge about basic anatomy and a lack of skill when it comes to knowing what to do and how to do it. Searll identifies a poor level of communication from both men and women and says very few women have the safety and background to voice how they would like to be touched. "If women firstly know how to touch themselves and then tell their partner simply and directly "Touch my clit just like this." It would go a long way to solving the communication dilemma, but ego, fear, lack of knowledge and anxiety often get in the way."

Unrealistic expectations

 Our expectations of how we should respond often get in the way of just expressing what we really feel. We will undoubtedly be disappointed if we expect the media's unrealistic depictions of sex to be duplicated in our own lives. Searll says many women expect the experience to "be perfect" and are disappointed when it fails to live up to this. "Very few women think their genitals are aesthetically pleasing. They are very aware of how they smell and look and this "performance anxiety" is fostered by porn which creates improbable ideas of what we should look like and how we should respond".

Boredom

 Boredom and exhaustion can both result when we don't make time to make love/play. Jonti suggests we should "set our conscious intent to contribute to the relationship by making time for pleasure for pleasure's sake rather than merely goal orientated sex."

Relationship problems

 "Anger with a partner over unresolved emotional issues is a reliable showstopper," observes Margolis. In Searll's experience, an unhappy, unfulfilling relationship is unlikely to be satisfying physically. "Women's orgasms require intimacy, patience and loving. You need to create a sensual space that says, "I care" and then bring a different aspect of the self to the experience. It may NOT end in orgasm, but it will be emotionally fulfilling."

Timing

 Dr Lorraine Becker a family practitioner with a particular interest in sexuality has found, "The man often falls asleep just as the woman is starting to become aroused, so she lands up being frustrated by their sexual encounters and this leads to a cycle where she is reluctant to have sex."

Labelling "Dysfunction"

 Some psychiatrists suggest that we pathologize women who deviate from the cultural norm. They suggest that doctors diagnose various sexual ‘dysfunctions' and then find "cures" for them - only the labels change with the times-yesterday's "frigidity" and "nymphomania" become today's "inhibited sexual desire" and "sexual addiction."

Orgasm At Last

 Johannesburg based Dr Becker, is the inspiration behind a locally made, natural gel. At Last, helps women achieve sexual satisfaction by dilating the blood flow in the clitoral area thereby increasing sexual sensation and making it easier to climax.

She often encounters a lack of knowledge of basic anatomy amongst patients from all walks of life so the detailed package insert has clear instructions and an unambiguous diagram showing where the clitoris is in relation to the vagina. A male patient who purchased the cream for his wife was surprised when he discovered that the clitoris was not inside the vagina, where he had always assumed it to be. Dr Becker quips "I had to explain to him: "It's not inside it's on top!"

The package insert explains what by now should be obvious, that: "Penetration by itself is not enough to cause a woman to reach orgasm and the majority of women need the clitoris to be directly stimulated." The directions encourage you to "Gently rub the gel into and around the clitoral area using light feathery strokes at first and ask your partner what feels good". So even if the gel works primarily as a placebo, following the guidelines will result in the clitoris being lavished with attention and you being given the opportunity of expressing "what you want" and "how you want it" - two factors Searll identifies as fundamental for a successful sexual relationship.

Dr Becker says the gel reduces the amount of time and stimulation needed to climax. Just like a woman" the gel is "activated by touch" and it encourages touch as well as dilating blood vessels to make coming easier." This creates a positive feedback loop where the woman is deriving satisfaction and is therefore happier to participate in and initiate sex.

 She says that touch is very important to most women and unfortunately, many only receive it in a sexual context, claiming that the only reason they tolerate the sex is for the touch. "One of my patients said that when her husband rolls over in bed and puts his hand on her tummy she knows it's time for sex. He does not touch her otherwise!"

Changing the orgasmic goal posts

 Searll suggests that we bring a different perspective to our sexual play -of pleasure for the sake of pleasure. "Many men feel trapped in a sexuality that is oriented towards penetration and orgasm leaving little room for exploration and a wider range of experiences." He remarks that while "orgasms are wonderful, they shouldn't be the focus of sex and sexual play." If sex becomes a goal-oriented activity, it becomes about performance and achievement, not intimacy, sharing, playing and love." This leads to a situation where if "the goal" is not reached, the sex is seen as a failure.

The extended orgasm technique that he teaches is a manual technique that "spreads genital energy throughout the body so one can be in an orgasmic state for 20 to 30 minutes." He acknowledges, "'No technique will ever take the place of real intimacy,' but it "leads to a more positive cycle and will contribute to the couple's communication, happiness and experience."

More to come

 While both men and women clearly desire and are capable of sexual delight, we approach it via different routes. What succeeds in improving men's libido and sexual performance does not necessarily work for us. Pfizer have recently suspended Viagra ® research on the female sexual dysfunction market, admitting that their "studies on women proved inconclusive".

Dr Rosie King was involved in trials but aptly concluded what many of us already know. "Women's sexuality is a lot more complicated than popping a pill. No amount of medication can make up for an unhappy relationship, poor sexual technique or a tired, exhausted, stressed-out woman...There is no pill yet that will create sexual arousal. But there is one sure aphrodisiac- love."

 Hysterical tension in 19th Century

 In the 1800s, if a woman displayed signs of sexual excitement her husband would take her to a doctor to treat what was then diagnosed as "hysterical tension" or "female hysteria" -from the Greek for "suffering uterus" Symptoms included anxiety, a temperature, a swollen pudenda and vaginal lubrication- basically sexual arousal. However, during the Victorian era women were not considered to be sexual beings so it was viewed as an illness. The prescribed treatment was masturbation- not to be performed by the woman herself, as this was "unhealthy and would rot the brain", but rather administered by a midwife or doctor. Today we would regard genital massage from your doctor as "indecent assault" but at that time a couple would simply return to "marital bliss". Hysteria, however, was a recurrent condition and multiple treatments were often necessary.

In 1869 the American physician, George Taylor, developed a cumbersome steam driven vibrator that he touted as a device "speeding treatment and reducing physician fatigue". The doctor with the help of this modern invention would massage the patient's vulva until she experienced dramatic relief through "paroxysm"(orgasm). This was known as "relief of tension in the female" because the female orgasm was simply not recognised and in fact many scientists well into the 20th century claimed that women were incapable of orgasm.

When electricity became readily available United States during the early part of the 20th century, plug-in vibrators were one of the first electrified home appliances. They were marketed in consumer magazines including Needlecraft, Home Needlework Journal and Woman's Home Companion as "health and relaxation aids". The Sears and Roebuck catalogue advertised an "aid every woman appreciates". However by the 1930's it became impossible for manufactures to defend the "polite fiction" that they were simply massagers and the vibrators virtually disappeared.

In 1952 the American Medical Association declared "hysteria" to not be a genuine ailment, so the vibrator could no longer be used as a legitimate medical device and it had to be acknowledged for its real purpose.

Contacts and references

· Jonti Searll- Expanded Orgasm Workshops Call 083 7435 129
· Jodie Franco Counselling Psychologist 021 689 2673 or cell phone 072 2437303.
· Dr Lorraine Becker 011 442 8143 or cell phone 072 272 4800
· AT LAST for women is available at pharmacies or on the website:
· Jonathan Margolis O: The Intimate History of the Orgasm Published by Century 2004